By Doug Miller

Current changes in credit card regulations might lead to an exchange such as this:

May 2008

Dear Valued SleezaCard Customer:

OK. Wait a minute. You’re not going to tell us you thought that APR was contractually binding, are you? Geez, what budget do you live on, anyway?

It was a measly 13 percent, for crying out loud. Of course we were going to raise it. Listen, did you even look at that mumbo-jumbo you signed? The only really legal piece is where it says you have to ante up whatever we want. See anything there about us not wandering over into usury every other Wednesday? No. You do not.

Which leads us to this serendipitous pronunciamento. You’re late on your department-store card payment, so we’re jacking your interest rate even higher. What’s that? You’ve always been on time with us? Could be. So what’s your point?

* * *

May 2009

To Our Valued SleezaCard Customers:

Let us get this straight. We generously agree to extend you a little credit from the bailout swag, and instead of showing a little humility, a little appreciation, you sic a federal reform bill on us? What’s up with that, dude?

You know the routine. Anytime, for any reason. That’s been the rate increase rule for, like, 100 years, man. It was working perfectly fine, too. Why’d you have to go screw things up? And if you needed a few more days to come up with the cash, all you had to do was say something, you know?

What? You can’t be serious. Twenty-one days after the statement’s mailed? You’re kidding, right?

Listen, enough’s enough. You give us no choice. We’ve got, what, eight… nine months before most of this stuff goes into effect? Henceforth from this exact moment, you’re getting hit with finance charges on the stuff you bought not only this month, but last month, too. Doesn’t matter if you already paid interest on the earlier items. We’re calling the shots here, Mr. Complain to Your Congressional Representative. Oh, and those payments you’ve been making over the phone and the Internet? Those are going to cost extra now, too. That’s right. Now you have to make a payment to make a payment.

How do you like them terms?

* * *

February 2010

To Our SleezaCard Customers:

You think this is finished? Not by a long shot.

All right, so maybe we can’t keep changing your due date or set your payment deadline at 4 a.m. to skim those extra late fees. (That early morning thing was a hoot, wasn’t it? Jesus, did you ever happen to glance in the mirror at that hour? LOL) And yeah, the feds may have blown that gig where we keep you squirming by applying whatever overage you send in to the lowest-interest balance first. But trust us, jocko. We’re just getting started.

Think we’re pinned by that clause about interest hikes being limited to times when our promotional rates end? Guess what? Our low-interest promotion periods now last only three hours. Sign up at 11 and get a rate hike at 2. Don’t you just love the new math?

And come on. Since when do fees totaling 25 percent of the available card limit NOT qualify as “harvesting?” Hey. You give us those odds and we’ll fire up the old reaper any time. Hear that? Probably one of our guys running the rows on the south 40 even as we speak.

Oh, and don’t even try using your card less. We’ve got a special fee for that little dodge.

Are you getting the picture? Or do we need to include a camera as part of our next promotion?

* * *

August 2010

To Our Card Customers:

Hi there. Seems we may have, um… overstated matters a little in our last communiqué.

Turns out a lot of you weren’t too happy about being charged a fee for having a zero balance. Huh? Just a second, could you. We’re getting a nudge from the new owners.

OK. So it turns out record numbers of you got pretty damn angry about having to pay for not using our card. Fact is, we had to shut the place down for three days when those mountains of returned plastic became a fire hazard. But, hey. The important thing is, we hear you. And we’re doing something about it.

Beginning today, we’re changing our name from SleezaCard to PrettyCard. That should help square things, right?

* * *

February 2011

Dear Valued PrettyCard Customer:

You still there? When we didn’t hear back we began to wonder. But then it occurred to us: You probably lost consciousness when you read about our last offer. It’s all true, though. Every word of it. We’ll actually pay you to use our card!

In fact, your first charge is on us. Seriously.

No, really. Listen, if you don’t go out and buy something free of charge, we’re just going to have pick out something nice ourselves and have it shipped to you. Do we have your correct address?

Doug Miller is a former director of internal communications for Citigroup and has written extensively about the use of technology in financial services.