By Mark Lassiter

I am not a fan of soccer. I cannot name one star player on any of the teams representing 36 countries who have competed since August 2007 for the privilege to visit South Africa in the middle of Winter.

Who cares?

My only point of reference for the month-long tournament is a fleeting glance of the Hank Aaron/Michael Jordan/Walter Payton known as Pele, and a few clips on ESPN when a player scores on an imaginative highlight.

However, how can any sports fan ignore a global event that is distilled from 204 national teams and attracts a television audience of over a billion people?

A billion people watching ten Super Bowls at once.

How can any student of black history downplay the bright moment of JoBurg’s Ellis Park, the first black-owned stadium in the country, hosting a World Cup match? In 1995 Ellis Park hosted the Rugby World Cup final – when South Africa defeated New Zealand and Nelson Mandela famously donned a green Springbok shirt to present the trophy to home skipper Francois Pienaar.

A billion people must know something. In addition, the paradigm shift of the first World Cup hosted on the African continent is irresistible for its place in history.

The game we know as soccer is complex and simple at the same time. The object of the game is to pass the ball while being pursued by an opponent who will trip, grab or tackle you. The transition from offense to defense happens in an instant. Watch a possession as a series in American football, without the breaks for a huddle.

These graceful and powerful artists choose from a palette of precision passes of breathtaking subtlety, gauntlet-defying dribbles, parabolic curves of centering assists, staggering ball control at full sprint, and 360-degree vision of a field whose width equals the length of an NFL gridiron.

It is about to get serious this Saturday as the 16 teams who survive the first elimination will compete for the most coveted trophy in the world.

If you are stubbornly resisting the temptation to watch, or thinking about attending a viewing party with a group of total strangers who are living and dying with every goal, here are eleven tips from someone who dares you to hold your breath and say the word “goal!!!” for as long as you can hold it.

11. You cannot use your hands. If a player touches the ball with his hands, he is regarded as criminal and subject to ejection.

10. The World Cup is serious. Nigeria midfielder Sani Kaita was the target of more than a thousand death threats, many via email, after he was dismissed in a 2-1 defeat to Greece for kicking out at Vasileios Torosidis. Nigeria led 1-0 in when the incident occurred.

The Super Eagles have been assigned more than 30 police officers to keep a close eye on the squad prior to Tuesday’s critical game in Durban which will determine whether Nigeria qualifies for the second round.

Kaita’s behavior has been noted by South Korea coach Huh Jung-Moo, who has ordered his players to attempt to provoke a similar reaction from any one of the Nigerians. Why are some folks always trying to provoke my people?

9. Forget watching the US television networks. Listen to the announcers on Univision. If your Spanish vocabulary is weak, don’t sweat it. The use of punctuation, pacing and passion more than compensates for the language barrier. Do you like to dance? Watch the pre-game studio show. Brothers, you can thank me later.

8. Look for number 10. Men who wear the sacred uniform number 10 of the legendary Pele are generally the most talented or famous. It is the equivalent if a baseball player wearing Jackie Robinsons number 42.

7. Ghana holds one of the best chances of an African nation advancing to the round of 16. Germany meets Ghana on Wednesday. Put a star next to that game.

“Ghana’s players are fast and can play well on the counter, they don’t shy away from one-to-one duels as they are strong, they have players who can put in fantastic sprints,” said the German coach.

6. Can you tell the difference between a hard foul and an exaggerated acting job?

For those who love contact sports, there is plenty of pushing and grabbing in the penalty area in front of each goal. Of the 25 goals scored, only two have come from outside the penalty area. Referees have an impossible task sorting perfectly faked swan dives from authentic tackles.

5. Do not adjust your television sound. Louis Armstrong would work to draw sound from the omnipresent Vuvuzela horn, Similar plastic horns were sold at Shea Stadium in the seventies but never caught on as they did in South Africa.

On the other hand, the impact of African culture on the global aesthetic will be felt in a surge of new polyrhythms, saturated color and language arts. The personal interaction from the street market in Capetown or walking through Soweto on the way to Soccer City cannot be measured in ratings or Rand.

4. The Ivory Coast, packed with players from Europe’s top leagues, had the misfortune of landing in perhaps the toughest group. They need a convincing victory over lowly North Korea on Friday and a Brazilian triumph over Portugal.

The Ivory Coast plays a disciplined short passing game. Watch how they deploy a Los Angeles Laker style triangle offense, with players spaced about 20 yards apart, to advance the ball. The Ivory Coast Offense has a nice ring to it.

3. When Howard University won the NCAA Men’s Championship in soccer in
1972, my Jamaican dorm neighbor Keith Aqui was one of the star players. Keith was creative, aggressive and talented. He appreciated that I respected his game and I respected that he knew something about baseball. The games were free and had a non stop drum beat that could be heard on main campus.

2. Argentina holds a significant three-point lead at the top of Group B heading into the final round of qualifying, Legendary player turned Coach Diego Maradona might consider giving his Kobe Bryant, FIFA World Player of the Year Lionel Messi, a break for the clash with Greece.

Maradona, formerly one of the best players in the world in multiple contexts, once rented an entire brothel for his personal use. Go big or go home.

1. Did I mention that you cannot use your hands?

Mark Lassiter worked on his photography skills from the sidelines at Howard University soccer games